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I recently heard that the Undertaker is starting his own cooking show. Yeah, forget Gordon Ramsay; we've got the Graveyard Gourmet now. I can see it now, "Today, we're making tombstone-shaped cookies and a killer casserole that'll have your taste buds resting in peace." But can you imagine him in the kitchen, trying to be all domestic? "First, we marinate the meat in a special blend of embalming fluid and spices. It adds that extra kick that'll leave you saying, 'What in the hell did I just eat?'"
And his catchphrase could be something like, "If the food doesn't resurrect your taste buds, nothing will!" I don't know about you, but I'd watch the Undertaker cook anything. Just as long as he doesn't tombstone the turkey on Thanksgiving. That could get messy.
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You know, I heard the Undertaker has a part-time job now. Yeah, apparently he's working at a funeral home. I guess it's a natural career progression for him. I mean, who better to make funeral arrangements than a guy who's literally buried his opponents alive? I can just picture him in the office, answering phones like, "Thank you for calling 'Rest in Pieces' Funeral Home. This is the Undertaker speaking. How may I help you transition to the afterlife today?"
And you know he's got to have some unique funeral services. "Upgrade to the Tombstone Package for an extra special send-off. We'll even play 'The Undertaker's Theme' as we lower you into the ground. It's the ultimate way to rest in peace, folks.
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You know, I was thinking about the Undertaker recently. You know, the guy who's been burying people alive in the WWE for decades. Yeah, that Undertaker. Apparently, he's retired now. I mean, I guess even the Deadman needs a break. But you know, retiring as the Undertaker has got to be a unique experience. I can just imagine him at the retirement party, giving a speech like, "Well, folks, it's been a hell of a ride. I've tombstoned, chokeslammed, and body-slammed my way through a career, and now it's time for the Undertaker to rest in peace... and maybe take up gardening or something."
I wonder if he has a retirement plan. Like, does he get a gold urn instead of a gold watch? And what about his pension? Does he collect coffins instead of a monthly check? I don't know, retirement for the Undertaker just seems like a grave situation.
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So, I heard the Undertaker is single now. Can you imagine his dating profile? "Hi, I'm the Undertaker. I've got a killer sense of humor and a tombstone piledriver that'll sweep you off your feet. Looking for someone who can handle my dark side and doesn't mind the occasional demonic possession. Must love long walks in cemeteries and candlelit sacrifices." I mean, how does he even approach dating? Does he send a girl flowers or a funeral wreath? And the first date must be interesting. "Hey, babe, want to come over and watch some wrestling tapes of me body-slamming people? It's a real turn-on, trust me."
And imagine the breakup talk. "It's not you; it's me. I just need someone who can handle the fact that I may or may not have a supernatural connection to the afterlife. It's not personal, it's just my eternal damnation.
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