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Have you ever played that game where you try to insert "whom" into a sentence and still sound cool? It's like trying to fit a giraffe into a Mini Cooper. "Hey, whom do you think is going to win the game tonight?" Smooth, right? It's like we've all collectively agreed that "whom" is the awkward cousin of language. You throw it into a sentence, and suddenly the conversation is wearing a bowtie and asking for tea.
And then there's the confusion between "who" and "whom." I mean, who decided that one word wasn't enough to figure out who's doing what? It's like the English language is trying to keep us on our toes, or should I say, "on whom's toes"?
I tried using "whom" in a pickup line once. I walked up to someone at a bar and said, "Excuse me, whom do I have to talk to for you to find me irresistible?" Let's just say, it didn't work. Maybe "whom" is better left in the dusty pages of grammar textbooks.
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You ever notice how the word "whom" is like that one friend who insists on being formal all the time? It's like, "Hey, I just want to ask a simple question, and here comes 'whom' wearing a three-piece suit, acting like it's the CEO of the sentence!" I tried using "whom" once in a conversation, thinking I'd sound all sophisticated. I asked, "To whom does this sandwich belong?" The guy just stared at me like I was an alien. I mean, who uses "whom" in everyday conversation? It's the grammatical equivalent of bringing a quill to a text fight.
I imagine if "whom" were a person, it'd be that friend who corrects your grammar on social media. You know the one. You post a picture, and they comment, "It's 'you're,' not 'your.'" I'm like, "Dude, it's a cat picture, not a PhD dissertation!"
So, next time someone corrects you with a "whom," just hit them back with a "whom cares?" and watch their grammatical superiority crumble.
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I was watching a talent show the other day, and the host was all like, "Whom do you think has the most talent?" And I'm thinking, "Is this a talent show or an English quiz? Can we get back to juggling chainsaws, please?" But here's the thing, "whom" is that judgmental friend who rates people's talent on a grammatical scale. Like, "Oh, he can juggle fire, but did you hear his incorrect use of 'whom'? Zero points!"
I can imagine a talent show where instead of a golden buzzer, they have a giant red pen, and when someone says "who" instead of "whom," it comes down from the ceiling and circles them like, "You're out!"
And can you picture the judges? Simon Cowell with his crossed arms saying, "Your performance was amazing, but your pronouns need work. It's a no from me."
I don't know about you, but I want a talent show where the only language requirement is that you can say "whom" correctly after chugging a liter of soda. Now that's talent!
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You ever notice how detective stories always use "whom" when they're trying to figure out who the culprit is? It's never, "Who stole the diamonds?" No, it's always, "Whom amongst us has the audacity to snatch the jewels?" I'm convinced that crime-solving would be way more efficient if detectives just embraced casual language. Picture Sherlock Holmes saying, "Yo, who took my magnifying glass?" It has a certain charm, doesn't it?
And then there's the interrogation room. "Whom were you with last night?" Sounds like a Victorian-era detective interrogating someone in the streets of London. How about, "Who were you hanging out with?" It's clear, concise, and no one feels like they're in a Dickens novel.
Maybe we should start a petition to modernize detective language. Let's replace "whom" with "who" and see if crime rates drop. Because, let's face it, nobody wants to be interrogated in the language of the 19th century.
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