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Alright, so I was asked to give the end-of-year graduation speech at a middle school. I mean, come on, giving a graduation speech to a bunch of 13-year-olds? What am I supposed to say? "Congratulations on surviving pre-algebra, kids. Now brace yourselves for quadratic equations!" I remember my middle school graduation. We had a valedictorian, salutatorian, and most likely to be an astronaut. And what did I get? "Most likely to be caught daydreaming." Yeah, that's right. Apparently, I had a future in staring out the window. Who knew?
You know you're at a middle school graduation when the biggest drama is deciding who gets to stand next to whom in the class photo. It's like a mini red carpet event, with kids trading Pokémon cards to secure a prime spot. And there's always that one kid who refuses to smile because it's not "cool." Dude, it's middle school graduation, not a James Bond audition.
Seems like just yesterday these kids were eating glue, and now they're moving on to high school. It's like upgrading from Easy Mode to Nightmare Difficulty. Good luck, kiddos. You're gonna need it.
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Now, let's talk about the social minefield that is the middle school cafeteria. The ghost writer insisted on it, so here we go. Remember the unwritten rules of cafeteria seating? It was like the Hunger Games with lunch trays. You had your cliques, your loners, and that one kid with a lunchbox shaped like a spaceship. I mean, talk about standing out.
And let's not forget the struggle to find a seat. You'd walk into the cafeteria, tray in hand, scanning for an open spot like you were hunting for buried treasure. And God forbid you accidentally sat at the cool kids' table. It was like a scene from a spaghetti western – tension in the air, dramatic music playing, and someone reaching for the mashed potatoes like it was a holster.
Then there was the kid who brought a gourmet lunch from home. They'd unveil a five-course meal while the rest of us were struggling with mystery meat and cardboard pizza. "Oh, is that sushi? Yeah, we got that in the cafeteria... last Tuesday."
So, to all you middle school graduates, may your future lunches be as satisfying as a gourmet meal in the cafeteria of life.
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Middle school, where hormones hit you like a freight train. The ghost writer told me to address the awkwardness of puberty during the graduation speech. I mean, really? We're gonna talk about zits and voice cracks while handing out diplomas? Remember the days of voice cracks? You'd be sitting in class, trying to answer a question, and suddenly your voice would hit a pitch only dogs could hear. The teacher would look at you like, "Did a fire alarm just go off?"
And let's talk about the legendary middle school dance. Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it. It's like a mating ritual for socially confused penguins. Boys on one side, girls on the other, and a vast no-man's-land in the middle. If someone actually dared to cross that territory, it was like witnessing the moon landing.
And don't get me started on slow dances. The only slow dance I mastered in middle school was the "I'm-trying-not-to-step-on-your-toes shuffle." I was like a human Roomba navigating a crowded dance floor.
So, to all you middle school graduates, just remember: puberty is a temporary condition, but those dance moves will haunt you forever.
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Let's talk about the monumental achievement of middle school: mastering the art of the locker combination. The ghost writer wanted me to include this. I mean, is this a graduation speech or a locksmith convention? You remember that feeling, right? Standing in front of your locker, trying to remember if it's left, right, left or left, left, right. It's like trying to crack a safe, but instead of treasure, you find your math book and a half-eaten sandwich.
And what about the kid who could spin the dial and open their locker with one swift motion? They were like the Houdini of hallway storage. Meanwhile, the rest of us were stuck fumbling with combinations like we were trying to defuse a bomb.
I swear, they should have a class just for locker combination memorization. "Welcome to Lockerology 101, where we turn forgetful tweens into combination connoisseurs." I can see it now, a montage of kids triumphantly opening lockers to the Rocky theme.
To all you graduates, may your future be as effortlessly opened as a well-practiced locker.
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