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You ever notice how technology these days is like a relationship? You start off all excited, everything's new and shiny, but give it a couple of months, and suddenly it's like, "Why won't you listen to me?!" I recently got a smart home system. You know, the ones where you can control everything with your voice. At first, it was all "Alexa, turn off the lights," and she'd do it with a smile in her voice. Now, it's more like, "Alexa, I said turn off the lights," and she's like, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that." Come on, Alexa, we've been through this! It's like living with a selective listener.
And don't even get me started on auto-correct. My phone is like that friend who thinks they know what you're going to say before you finish your sentence. I was texting my friend about going to a comedy show, and instead of saying, "Let's go laugh," my phone changed it to, "Let's go lamb." Lamb? Really? I mean, I like a good gyro, but that's not what I had in mind!
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I recently joined a gym because I thought it was time to get fit. You know, take charge of my health. But let me tell you, my relationship with the gym is like a bad romance. I walk in all excited, and the treadmill is like, "You want me to do what now?" I tried a yoga class for the first time. The instructor was all calm, telling us to find our center. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to find my face on the mat. Yoga poses have names like "downward dog" and "child's pose." I'm over here inventing poses like "confused giraffe" and "awkward penguin."
And don't get me started on those fitness apps. They're like a personal trainer who's also a mind reader. "I sense you're sitting on the couch. Get up, you lazy potato!" Thanks, app, for making me feel guilty about my life choices.
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I've been doing a lot of online shopping lately. It's like my packages have become my new best friends. I'm tracking them more closely than I'm tracking my own life. The other day, I got an email saying, "Your package has been delivered." I rushed downstairs, and there's nothing there. It's like playing hide and seek with the delivery guy. And can we talk about the sizes they show online? I ordered a chair that looked perfect in the picture. When it arrived, it was like a chair for ants. I had to double-check if I accidentally ordered a dollhouse version. Maybe I should start shopping in the kids' section. "Yeah, I'll take the Spider-Man lunchbox and the tiny chair, please.
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I love going out to eat, but why is ordering food becoming more complicated than a high-stakes negotiation? I'm always torn between being healthy and indulging in my cravings. I'm at the restaurant like, "I'll have a salad, but can you add extra cheese, bacon, and a side of regret?" And then there's the dilemma of sharing food. You know, when someone says, "Let's share a dessert." We all know what that really means. It means they're going to eat 90% of it, and you're left with a tiny forkful. It's a dessert hostage situation.
I also tried a cooking class recently. They said, "Anyone can cook." Lies. I burnt water. I didn't know that was possible. I'm over here with smoke alarms blaring, and the recipe is like, "Add a pinch of salt." How about a pinch of fire extinguisher, please?
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