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I'm thinking, if I ever open a morgue, I'm going to give it a complete makeover. Maybe add some mood lighting, some soft jazz playing in the background. Turn it into a spa experience, you know? "Welcome to Eternal Relaxation Retreat, where the afterlife meets tranquility." I can already see the Yelp reviews: "Five stars for ambiance, minus one star because my masseuse was a bit stiff." And what's the deal with the cold storage? I get it, preservation and all that, but can't we warm it up a little? Maybe throw in a heated blanket or two? I'm just saying, if I have to spend eternity in a drawer, I want it to be cozy. I want people to envy my eternal slumber.
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You know, I recently had to visit a morgue for the first time. Yeah, it's not exactly the kind of place you plan a family outing to, right? So I walk in, trying to maintain my composure, and the first thing I notice is how quiet it is. I mean, I get it, it's a morgue, but I swear I could hear my own heartbeat louder than a drum solo in there. And then there's this one guy working there, the mortician. He's got that poker face, you know, no emotion whatsoever. I'm thinking, "Is he auditioning for a role as a statue or something?" I wanted to ask him if he ever considered stand-up comedy, but I figured he's probably more into deadpan humor.
But the real challenge was trying not to touch anything. I mean, they've got all these tools lying around, and I'm there with my hands in my pockets, doing the morgue version of the moonwalk, trying not to accidentally embalm myself. It's like a game of operation, but with real consequences.
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So, I'm in the morgue, right? And I can't help but wonder, do they ever play pranks on each other? I mean, think about it. You're working late, it's quiet, and your colleague steps out for a coffee. What better time to rearrange the bodies and create a real-life game of "Guess Who?" I can imagine the mortician coming back, scratching his head, and going, "Wasn't Mr. Johnson in the third drawer? Why is he now doing the cha-cha with Mrs. Smith?" And what's with the body bags? They're like adult-sized Ziploc bags. I half-expected someone to walk in and say, "Oops, wrong aisle! I was looking for the jumbo freezer bags, not the body bags." Can you imagine the mix-up at the supermarket checkout? "Price check on aisle three, we've got a two-for-one deal on body bags.
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You know, they say laughter is the best medicine. I'm thinking, why not bring that philosophy to the morgue? Imagine a stand-up comedy night at the morgue. The dead audience wouldn't complain about bad jokes, and the performers wouldn't mind a quiet crowd. It's a win-win. But seriously, I've got to give credit to the folks who work at the morgue. It takes a special kind of person to deal with death every day and not go completely bonkers. I mean, if I had to spend my days surrounded by the departed, I'd probably start giving them names and having full-blown conversations. "Oh, Mr. Thompson, how was your weekend? Oh, right, you're dead. My bad."
So, here's to the unsung heroes of the morgue, keeping it cool, both literally and figuratively. And if any of them are considering a career change, I hear the circus is always looking for people with a strong stomach and a knack for making the deceased laugh.
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