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You ever meet a hipster who claims to hate everything mainstream, but then they're walking around wearing the same skinny jeans, beanie, and thick-rimmed glasses as every other hipster on the block? It's like they're rebelling against conformity by conforming to the non-conformity uniform. I saw a guy the other day with a mustache that looked like it required its own zip code. I asked him about it, and he said, "I'm growing it ironically." I didn't know facial hair could be ironic. I tried growing a beard ironically once, but apparently, facial hair doesn't get the joke, and I ended up looking like a lumberjack who got lost in a forest of bad decisions.
And don't even get me started on their taste in music. They'll tell you they only listen to obscure bands you've never heard of. I'm convinced some hipsters have secret underground concerts in abandoned warehouses, and the only way to get in is if you can prove you've never heard of the band playing.
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I was at a hipster coffee shop the other day trying to connect to their Wi-Fi, and they gave me this look like, "Wi-Fi? How mainstream." They handed me a typewriter and told me to write an email if I wanted to communicate. I said, "I just want to check my Instagram," and they scoffed like I had asked to ride in on a Segway wearing a fanny pack. I finally connected to their Wi-Fi, but the password was so obscure; it was like deciphering an ancient hieroglyphic code. I had to answer riddles, solve sudoku puzzles, and recite obscure poetry before they finally gave me access. I felt like I was trying to infiltrate a secret society just to post a picture of my avocado toast.
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Have you heard about the latest hipster fitness trend? It's called "artisanal exercise." Apparently, regular workouts are too mainstream, so now they're doing exercises that no one has ever heard of. I tried to join in, but when they asked me to do the "organic gluten-free burpee," I threw out my back trying to figure out if it was a workout or a new type of snack. And then there's the kale smoothie cleanse. Hipsters believe kale can cleanse your soul and align your chakras. I tried it, and let me tell you, my chakras were not impressed. They were probably wondering why I was punishing them with a beverage that tastes like a lawnmower blended with a garden hose.
So there you have it, folks. The hipster fitness revolution – where the only six-pack you'll get is from carrying around your reusable, eco-friendly water bottle.
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You ever notice how being a hipster is like being in a secret club? They've got their own language, their own fashion, and apparently, their own coffee shops that the rest of us just haven't discovered yet. I walked into one the other day, and I swear the barista looked at me like I was an alien who just landed in a spaceship made of mainstream pop culture. I ordered a regular coffee, you know, just black. The barista gave me this look of disdain and said, "We don't do regular here. We do artisanal, handcrafted, ethically-sourced, shade-grown, fair-trade, organic, free-range coffee." I'm thinking, "I just want a cup of joe, not a PhD in coffee studies."
I finally got my coffee, but it came with a side of judgment. It's like they're allergic to anything that's gone mainstream. If oxygen became too popular, hipsters would be walking around with little air canisters, claiming they liked oxygen before it was cool.
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